It all began when I decided to put our new wine glasses from World Market Explorer in the cupboard.

First I had to make room for the new glasses by packing away the glasses that were already in the cupboard. It was an eclectic collection of drink ware acquired piecemeal over the course of our marriage:

• One lone champagne flute from a fraternity formal – the mate had broken long ago.
• Three nice wine glasses from a set of four; purchased at the Dansk outlet before it closed.
• Several discount store wine glasses left from a set we received as a Christmas gift.
• An engraved beer stein and shot glass from two separate weddings Teacher was groomsman in.
• Two pilsner glasses that came free in the mail with a homebrew magazine subscription.
• Etc, etc, etc. You get the picture.

While I was organizing the top shelf I was bitten by the cleaning bug and couldn’t resist the middle and bottom shelves too. I packed away, gave away, and threw away a bunch of stuff that we didn’t need any more.

Cleaning out that cupboard felt sooooo good that I couldn’t stop. Next was the cupboard with Grandma’s dishes and our medications.

Did you know that you’re not supposed to store medications in the bathroom because the heat and humidity can affect their potency? It’s true! That’s why ours are in the kitchen; they’re more convenient there too.

Hitting my stride, I tackled the bottom drawer – a constant challenge to keep clean and organized.

Deep in the cleaning, organizing and purging groove, I dived into the utensil drawer. I got rid of a LOT of utensils that we never use – whee!

Flying high on Lavender Mint dish soap by Seventh Generation bubbles and a sense of accomplishment I approached the spice cupboard… and crashed.

Hard.

My motivation laughed at me; Ha-ha; are you kidding me? No way am I tackling THAT today!”

Uh-oh, I think the cleaning spree is over.

“Tomorrow doesn’t look good either…”

Oh bummer.

Maybe I’ll bribe one of the kids to do the spice cupboard.

How much do you think it’ll cost me?

Day 02 – Something you love about yourself.

It’s been a long, rough week – actually a rough 2011 so far – and I’m feeling worn out and beaten down. The mild temperatures and sunny blue skies we had earlier have been replaced with silvery skies, cooler temps, and a biting wind.

Times like this it’s really hard for me to be positive, to see a half-full glass, to be confident in who I am.

So what does this have to do with the 30 Days of Truth?

I’m getting to it.

Day 02 is “Something you love about yourself,” and the thing I love best about myself is the strength and resiliency my mom fostered in me.

No matter what happens, I keep going.

Because I’m strong.

When I want to curl up in a ball and let the world go on without me, I keep going.

Because I’m strong.

When I want to yell “Stop the World; I want to get OFF!” I may clench my fists and stomp my feet, but I keep on going.

Because I’m strong.

When I’m faced with everyday challenges like puke and poop I may hold my breath and turn my face, but I keep going.

Because I’m strong.

When I’m faced with the worst moments in my life, like losing our baby, my grandma’s death, and a missing child I may feel like dying, but I keep going.

At least until the crisis is over.

Afterwards I fall to pieces. I sob like a baby, holding on to Teacher like a drowning man clutching a lifeline.

But not for long; once the storm has passed I pull myself together and keep going.

Because I’m strong.

Hopefully life won’t throw too much more at me, but if it does I know I’ll be OK.

I can keep going.

Because I’m strong.

Your turn: What do you love about yourself?

Past Days:
Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself

Future Days selected from the following:
Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 – Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 – Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 – Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 – Someone who made your life miserable, or treated you like dirt.
Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 – Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 – Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 – Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 – A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 – A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 – Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 – Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 – A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 – Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 – What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 – (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 – Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 – Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 – The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 – A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Tuesday morning was bright and sunny again, and so was my optimism. I’d decided that it HAD to be the day the egress window would finally be put in – right?

G’s mom was dropping her off and we were chatting when the phone rang. Instantly my heart sank.

I picked up the phone and looked at the caller ID, “No, no, no, nooooo!” I groaned, stamping my feet and flailing my fists. Startled, G’s mom looked at me with wide eyes. We’ve known each other for almost a year and a half so I’m sure she knows I’m not usually a nutcase… at least I hope she does!

“It’s Ken” I said, “I’m afraid he’s calling to tell me the window’s been delayed again!”

Putting a smile on my face I answered the phone, “Hello?”

“Hi Amy, It’s Ken.”

“Hi Ken!”

“We’ll be there in about 40 minutes, with the heavy equipment and everything; so we’ll see you around 8:00.”

Hooray! “Sounds great! See you in a little bit.”

We hung up and I turned to G’s mom, “They’re going to be here around eight!”

“Now you’ve got to take back your tantrum!” she laughed.

“No kidding!” I agreed.

The next few hours crawled by as I tried not to worry that the window would end up being delayed in spite of Ken’s phone call. Every time I heard a truck rumble in the distance I rushed to the window see if it was coming to our house. Since it was garbage and recycling day there were a lot of trucks rumbling around the neighborhood, but no heavy equipment stopped by our house.

A little after eight I looked outside to see my dad standing in the street across from his house, talking to Ken Hooray – Ken was here! Now we just need Donnie with the backhoe and the other stuff – whatever stuff that might be.

I didn’t really expect everyone to show up at 8:00. I figured it would take some time to get everything ready before coming over, but when 9:00 rolled around and I hadn’t heard rumbling I began to feel a little nervous. I looked out of the living window to see a huge dump truck parked across the street, and a grey pick-up truck with a trailer parked out front. Yippee! Apparently they’ve either got a stealth dump truck or I was too busy with the kids to hear it. But where was the backhoe?

I scanned the pick-up truck’s bed and trailer several times but there wasn’t a backhoe. Then I heard another rumbling and saw a bright orange-yellow vehicle coming up the street. The backhoe is here – let the digging commence!

The kids were almost as excited to see the big trucks as I was. While we ate breakfast the crew got all the equipment in place, then the digging began.

Although I obviously couldn’t stand and watch all day, I was able to snap some photos through the windows. I know they’re not the greatest photos, but they’re better than nothing.

Please ignore the dirty windows; I haven’t had time to wash them yet this spring. Wait, who am I kidding? As much as I’d like to wash my windows I’ve got more important things to do. Maybe someday this summer I’ll find time… or not.

I never thought I’d be happy to have a ginormous hole in my yard, but I was bouncing-off-the-walls excited to see the backhoe dig into our grass.

The kids were thrilled to have a front-row seat. They’d watch for a while, then to play for a while, then return to see what was going on again.

Here’s the well part. We didn’t pick out our window – Ken said he’d put them in before and knew what would meet code and be inexpensive so we trusted him to get what we needed. To be honest, I really don’t care what it looks like as long as it does the job.

When I first saw the dump truck I was surprised by how big it was – I thought there was no way we needed such a big one. Obviously I was wrong!

You know what a full dump truck means, don’t you? They’re almost done digging!

How’s it look from your side of the window?

It looks like a big hole from inside the house.

There wasn’t much to watch during the next few hours but there was a lot to feel and hear! They used jackhammers and I don’t know what else to cut through the foundation. It was loud, and since they were working right under the dining room you could feel the vibrations through the floor.

After all the kids were settled for their naps I ran downstairs to snap a few pictures quick before the workers came back from their lunch break.

Another view into the hole. It was hard to get photos since the egress window was going right under the dining room window.

Ken reminds me of the This Old House guys; not the youngest guy around but he really knows his stuff!

I think that’s the header beam for over the window. How exciting!

Of course my dad stopped by several times during the day. He said he’d never seen an egress window put in and wondered how they did it. I think that’s only part of the story; I happen to know that he likes to chat with Ken and to be involved with projects like this.

I was a little surprised that the only helping he did was sweeping off the neighbor’s driveway at the end of the day. I kept expecting him to grab a shovel or something and join right in.

That’s the window underneath all that green plastic! The window is about to be put in!

Woo hoo – now the well is being put in place!

Yes, I realize I’m a dork for being so excited, but I don’t care. I yam what I yam.

They put gravel around the window well; I assume it’s for drainage. The well is supposed to have a cover but I’m sure water will find its way in somehow anyway.

There’s a funny story behind this photo:

Shortly after nap time Irish Girl looked out the front window and said to Love Bug “It looks like your Grampa is checking things out too.”

I looked out the window but the only person I saw was a worker in a dusty maroon sweatshirt. “Are you sure? I don’t see him.” I thought she’d mistaken the guy outside for Teacher.

“I thought so.” she replied.

I was really confused; Teacher usually didn’t get home so early after school. I looked out the side living room window – no Teacher. I looked out the dining room window – no Teacher. Then I looked out the play room window – Bingo!

Irish Girl was right, it was Teacher. Boy did I feel dumb!

No matter what kind of equipment you have, it still comes down to good ol’ elbow grease.

Look, look, look! Isn’t it pretty?!

I can’t believe how much light it lets into the basement!

I can’t believe that it’s almost done in just one day!

I can’t wait to see the whole room finished and everything put back where it belongs.

This SO rocks!

I like to think that I’m a patient person – and usually I am – but I not so much when I’m really looking forward to something.

Like our new egress window.

Tuesday morning dawned bright and sunny, and perfect for digging a ginormous hole in the yard. Or so I thought.

Around 9:00 Ken, our contractor, arrived. I went to school with his daughter so it’s kind of weird to call him by his first name, but I’m an adult now too so I guess it’s OK. Ken is older than my parents and semi-retired so we knew he’d be working short days, which was OK with us. He’d told us it was a two-day job but we were prepared for it to take twice as long.

While waiting for Donnie, the backhoe guy, to arrive Ken removed the two-by-four framework. Then there wasn’t anything else to do until the hole was dug, so he waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally he came upstairs to tell me that that Donnie had called; he was having problems with the bed of his dump truck, but was trying to get it fixed. At first I didn’t realize what it meant when Donnie called Ken, but I figured it out pretty quickly: more waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

Even though I was busy with the children I kept an eye on the street in front of our house, and on the clock. I’d told the children that a “big digger” was going to come and dig a hole in Miss Amy’s yard and we’d get to watch it. They were really excited about the digger and kept looking out the window to see if it was here yet.

Some time later Ken came upstairs and said he hadn’t heard from Donnie so he was going to work on some other projects while he was waiting. I agreed that it was a waste of his time to sit around here with nothing to do, and he said that if the truck was fixed soon they’d come back.

I was really disappointed, but told the children about the broken dump truck, and that the digger would be back the next day. I think they took the news better than I did!

Wednesday morning was cloudy and I worried about rain. Ken had told me that they couldn’t work if it rained, and the forecast called for a chance of rain beginning Thursday and getting more likely over the weekend. But it wasn’t raining yet so I had high hopes that the digging would start that morning.

Instead I received a phone call from Ken; Donnie had some medical tests scheduled and wouldn’t be able to work.

Waaaah!

No, I didn’t actually cry, but I wanted to.

Who schedules a job to start the day before medical tests?! I was a little frustrated, but still hopeful they’d start on Thursday.

Thursday morning dawned just as bright and sunny as Tuesday. The forecast called for rain beginning Thursday after midnight, and only a chance of rain on Friday so I was sure we’d have a ginormous hole in our yard by Thursday afternoon and an egress window in our basement by Friday.

But once again, I was wrong.

As I watched the clock 9:00 came and went.

Maybe he’s just late, I thought.

Then it was 9:30… 10:00… 10:30… 11:00…

Maybe they’re coming in the afternoon. At this point I’d be so happy to see them that I wouldn’t care if they started digging right in the middle of naptime.

But instead the clock read 1:00…1:30… 2:00… and no word.

Apparently Thursday wasn’t the day after all.

Maybe Friday?

Probably not; I couldn’t imagine they’d start a two-day project on a Friday.

*sigh*

Friday was another bright and sunny morning, but my usual optimism was pretty tarnished. I was hoping a backhoe would show up promptly at 9:00 and start digging, but had a feeling that the window would be put off over the weekend.

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.

Around 10:00 I called Ken to ask what the plan was. He got back to me several hours later. “I meant to call you yesterday…” he began. Apparently Donnie’s doctor told him to take it easy for a couple of days after his tests so he couldn’t work Thursday or Friday.

The previous Saturday we’d moved College Boy, Irish Girl and Love Bug out of the basement and into my parents’ guest room so we could get the basement ready for construction. Teacher and I felt awful about inconveniencing them and my parents, but figured that the end result would be worth it.

“I told him you have a deadline, and I have one too.” My mom needed her guest room back by Tuesday, and Ken was planning to go out of town on Thursday. “He said Monday was the day.” Ken said.

I wasn’t so sure.

Monday’s weather reports called for rain in the morning and a possibility of showers in the afternoon, but Tuesday and Wednesday were supposed to be warm and sunny.

I had a feeling that I’d get another phone call Monday morning, pushing the job off until Tuesday.

I can imagine what you’re thinking; it’s probably the same thing I’d be thinking if someone else was telling me this story: Why don’t you fire them and have someone else put in the window?”

It’s a valid question, and the thought did cross my mind.

The problem is time. We need the egress window in ASAP and I figure that it’d take more time to find someone else, have them come over to look at the job site, get an estimate from them, and schedule the job, than it would take to wait for Donnie to get his ducks in a row.

I hope.

The weekend passed quickly as usual, ending with us in the basement for over an hour and a half during a a huge storm Sunday night.

The only damage we sustained was over-tired kids because the tornado warning didn’t expire until past their bedtime. Not that I’m complaining; I’ll take tired kids over massive devastation any day.

I wasn’t too surprised when the phone rang Monday morning and it was Ken: “I just talked to Donnie, and he thinks that after all that rain last night we should let the ground dry out today. Otherwise there’ll be a huge mess with all that mud and all.”

According to the National Weather Service we received about 1″ of rain, but I wasn’t going to argue. I’d already figured that the job would be postponed another day, so what was the use of arguing or getting upset?

Besides – looking on the bright side, at least all the snow is melted!

Maybe Tuesday the job will finally begin.

Cross your fingers for us – please!

One of my resolutions for 2011 was spend substantial time improving my Etsy store. While hanging around Etsy I met many talented artists, and ended up peeking at their shops to get ideas for my shop. Window shopping is one of my favorite sports!

I don’t remember what I was originally looking for at Silver Daisy Designs, but I fell in love with these earrings and couldn’t resist treating myself to them.

Little did I know that along with the earrings I’d get a lot of great marketing ideas.

Traci – the owner of Silver Daisy Designs – impressed me even before I placed the order. Red isn’t my thing so I asked Traci if she could change the crystals to purple or white. She responded right away that she had lavender crystals and two types of white crystals on hand, and could also get dark purple crystals if I wanted.

What fantastic customer service!

I requested lavender, made my purchase, and prepared to stalk the mailman until my package arrived. Surprise – it arrived the very next day! I hadn’t noticed that Silver Daisy Designs is located right here in my hometown; how’s that for shopping local?

As soon as I saw the mailer my brain split into two halves: a salivating-from-anticipation customer side and a what-great-ideas-can-I-adopt business side.

The customer side was intrigued by the mailer. It was printed with a cool design, like a maze with hearts sprinkled here and there, and gave me the feeling that something special was inside

The business side of my brain started going a mile a minute: Where did she get those cool mailers? How expensive are they? Should I switch from polymailers to mailers like this? Do they come big enough for diapers? Is there another alternative just as cute but better for diapers?

Then I noticed the adorable return address label and my whirring brain made another mental note: Design cute and memorable labels for both Zany Zebra and ReUse ‘Ems.

Inside the mailer were more surprises: an envelope with a daisy sticker on the flap and a box tied with a ribbon and daisy charm.

My customer side was so charmed no pun intended by the entire ensemble that it was almost as excited about the packaging as the earrings.

My business side thought, That makes two charms in the past two purchases; find and price zebra charms ASAP!

The envelope held a card printed with a daisy and “Silver Daisy Designs” on the front. Inside were a handwritten “thank you” note, jewelry care information, and discount code for future purchases. Did you notice the little dot of red glitter on the daisy? What an eye for details!

Obviously, inside the box were my earrings – woo hoo! They were even prettier “in real life” than I expected, and of course I had to put them in right away.

Princess looked at them and said, “I like your new earrings; they look like you.”

I think so too.

Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself.

Remind me why I decided to do the 30 Days of Truth again?

Didn’t I say it would be fun or something?

Silly me.

Day 01 was a challenge right off the bat. There are lots of things I’d like to change about myself, but at first I couldn’t think of anything substantial.

Sure, I’d love to lose those last 10 pounds I’ve been struggling with for the past mumble years.

Sure, if we had the money I’d think about considering LASIK.

Sure, I’d like to be more patient with Teacher and the kids, I’d like to never have laundry in the dining room, to get caught up with the ironing, to have a picture-perfect June Cleaver house.

But none of those things seemed “big” enough to kick off these 30ish Days.

After letting it stew in the back of my mind it came to me…

I get too focused on WHAT and forget about WHO.

I vaguely remember taking a quiz many, many years ago. The quiz was supposed to help you identify your personality traits and the role you take in group situations. I don’t remember the four classifications, but I do remember the two I scored highest in goal-oriented and lowest in people-oriented.

No surprise to Teacher or my family, I’m sure.

I know that I tend to get so focused on a task that I can’t think about anything else – including the people around me – until it’s done. I know that people are most important and the rest can wait, but in the heat of the moment I hear myself telling the kids “Not right now; Mommy’s working.” or “In a minute; when I finish this…” but “just a minute” is always, always more than a minute.

That’s not the way I want to be, but it’s not easy to change.

Now we come to the hard part.

Right now I’d love to tell you how how I triumphed over my bad habit… but I haven’t yet.

Second-best would be to outline my plan for making the change… but I don’t have one yet.

Can it can even be done? On which side of the “nature vs nurture” debate, does this fit?

I don’t know.

But I do know that the people in my life are way more important than any To Do list, sink full of dishes, blog post, order to fill, or anything else.

Important enough to change the habits of a lifetime for.

Wish me luck – I think I’m going to need it.

PS- If you’ve got any suggestions I’m all ears!

I’ve got a confession…

I’m obsessed with natural lip balm – especially lip balm from Clear Hills Honey.

I love Clear Hills so much that I can’t stand to use any other kind; Clear Hills natural lip balm glides on like silk, is shiny but never sticky, and smells heavenly!

They offer tons of scents, but just like when I’m choosing wax tarts, I prefer bakery scents – especially chocolate, of course.

Recently I ordered the Death by Chocolate set and was thrilled when it arrived – not because I was down to my last tube and was terrified that I’d run out before my order arrived, but because it was packaged so prettily.

It makes me wish I sold something small enough to fit in these little boxes so I could make up pretty packages like these for my products. Ideas, anyone???

Even though I hate bees with a passion, I totally fell in love with the gold bee charm that was attached to the honey-colored ribbon.

His name is George.

After untying the ribbon and removing the top layer of brown crinkle paper I found my new lip balms nestled in more paper, waiting for me snug as a bug in a rug.

Forgive me; I realize that “snug as a bug” thing was dorky, but the phrase popped in my head and wouldn’t leave until I used it. I’ll try to refrain in the future but can’t make any promises.

Just look at all that natural lip balm goodness! They all look so yummy I can’t decide which to try first.

There’s one for my purse, one for the kitchen drawer, one for my coat pocket, and one for the nightstand… the only question is which goes where??

In case I’ve piqued your interest, you can start your own obsession with Clear Hills Honey natural lip balm here:

• www.ClearHillsHoney.com
• www.HyenaCart.com/ClearHillsHoney
• www.ClearHills.etsy.com

Let me know which scents you got – especially if they’re chocolatey!

I recently discovered the “30 Days of Truth” and thought it might be kind of fun to do.

Then I read through the questions and changed my mind.

Thirty questions is a LOT of questions – especially when you take a good look at them. Some seem kind of childish; like one of those Facebook things, except all the words are spelled correctly. Some would take waaaay too long to answer; trying to create a playlist with my perfectionistic tendencies would take FOREVER! And some are deeper than I want to deal with; life sends enough drama my way already, I don’t need to take on more.

Not to mention that I’m not into the whole belly-button contemplating thing that the 30 Days are all about. Yeah, yeah, I know the questions are supposed to help me delve deeply into my psyche and see what’s there, but I’m not sure I want to do that. Overall I’m pretty happy with “me” just the way I am – why mess with it?

It is kind of a cool idea though, so I don’t want to discount it entirely But instead of 30 Days of Truth I’m going to do “14 or So” Days of Truth. I figure 14 glimpses into my psyche are probably enough to send you away running and screaming. I haven’t decided which days I’m going to include in my 14 Days, but I’ll try to pick interesting ones.

Here’s the entire list, in case you want to try it yourself. Just cuz I’m not doing the whole thing doesn’t mean you can’t, right?
Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 – Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 – Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 – Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 – Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 – Someone who made your life miserable, or treated you like dirt.
Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 – Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 – Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 – Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 – A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 – A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 – Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 – Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 – A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 – Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 – What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 – (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 – Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 – Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 – The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 – A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Be sure to let me know if you decide to do the 30 Days of Truth too or 14 Days, or 2 Days, or Whatever – I’d love to read what you have to say!

A week ago if you had told me that I would be in a room with a dead body and not be freaked out I would have said you were nuts.

I would have been wrong.

Tuesday nights are usually crazy at our house.

Tuesday nights I direct our church Handbell Choir. My dad, Teacher, and Princess all ring in the bell choir. Two Tuesdays a month Jo-Bear and Z-Man go to Pioneers; which is like Boy Scouts but sponsored by our church. Tuesdays are also “Grandma Night” for Peanut and Little Guy and Z-Man when he’s not at Pioneers – they play at Grandma’s while the rest of us are at bells.

Most of the time we walk the kids over to Mom and Dad’s then ride with Dad to rehearsal; it’s silly to take two vehicles when we live so close and are going the same place. This Tuesday was different in two ways; First, Mom asked us to keep the kids home with Angel Face because she was too tired to have them over. Secondly, Teacher had to leave rehearsal early to attend a Union meeting so we told my dad that we’d go to bells with Teacher but would need him to bring us home.

We were finishing dinner and thinking about getting ready to leave for bells when my dad called. He said “I will pick you up after rehearsal tonight. I may be late to bells – if I’m there at all – but I will pick you up after.”

I said “OK… Was this something I knew about but forgot?” It wouldn’t be the first time he’d told me he had a meeting but I’d forgotten.

“No, you didn’t know about it.” he said. I started to tell him that we could get a ride home with someone else, but he went on to say “We’re having a crisis with Grandma.”

You know how people talk about time stopping? That’s what happened.

In the time it took for my dad to take a breath, I stopped breathing, my heart dropped, and my mind started racing: What was going on? How bad was it? Should I go over? Should I go to bells? What’s the right thing to do?

In the next moment he continued, A hospice nurse is here now and another one is on the way.”

I knew it was bad when I heard that the hospice nurse was there. “Should I come over?” I asked.

He paused. “No,” he said firmly; You go to bells. They need you there.”

“OK…” I said uncertainly, “Don’t worry about missing bells; Paula can cover your part.”

“We play on Sunday…” he said.

“I know, but you’ll do fine; and we’ll have Sunday morning to go over it again. Don’t worry, it’ll be OK.” I reassured him.

I don’t remember walking into the kitchen or saying “goodbye” to my dad and hanging up, but suddenly I was standing in the middle of the kitchen with Teacher in front of me. He could tell from my end of the conversation that something serious was going on. He put his arms around me and held me as I told him what Dad had said. “I feel like I should go over but he told me to go to bells. I don’t know what to do…”

Teacher gave me a squeeze, “You need to go over. You won’t be happy if you don’t.” That man knows me so well!

“OK, I’ll just run over and see what’s going on.”

Heart pounding, I jogged down the driveway, pulling on my coat as I went. Approaching the house I was momentarily panicked when I noticed that the garage door where we usually entered was closed. Since the front door is usually locked I didn’t know what to do: Should I open the garage door, or would that disturb everyone inside? They never hear knocks on the front door, but it doesn’t seem right to ring the doorbell.

I was also worried that my dad would be upset that I came over when he said I didn’t need to.

I tried the front door in case it was unlocked, and it was. If I’d been thinking clearly I would have realized they had to unlock it to let the hospice nurse in. But my thinking was anything but clear.

In the living room my mom was sitting on the edge of a chair talking on the phone to Aunt Betty; telling her she needed to come now. As I walked into the room my dad came from the dining room to meet me in the middle of the room with a big hug.

They told me that a piece of the clot had finally broken off. This was it – the thing we’d been fearing yet trying to prepare for.

I asked if I could go in by Grandma, and my mom said “Are you sure? It isn’t pretty.” I thought it was so typical of a mother to try to protect her child; even when that child is forty-something years old.

As I followed my mother to the sunroom I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’d never seen anyone die before except on TV, and was more than a little afraid of what I’d find. Despite my fear I had an irresistible feeling inside of me that I had to be with Grandma. I don’t know if it was because I loved her so much or if it was an instinct God created in us, but I couldn’t not be there.

I pushed away all fears and went to my Grandma.

The first thing I saw was a dark-haired lady in blue scrubs – obviously the hospice nurse – sitting next to Grandma’s bed, holding her left hand. In a a surreal moment I thought how strange it was to see the big chair that was usually against the wall in the middle of the room.

Then I looked at Grandma.

In one glance I knew this was it; there was no going back, no getting better, no second chances.

Grandma was sitting upright in bed, hands on her thighs, eyes mostly closed and mouth open, an oxygen tube under her nose. She was very pale, and still except for slow, shallow breaths. Called “agonal” breaths, I recently learned in CPR.

Despite all that, she still looked like my beloved Grandma.

I followed Mom around to the back side of the bed where she took Grandma’s right hand and leaned close to her face. Still in my coat, I put one arm around my mom’s shoulders and caressed Grandma’s knee with the other hand. I felt like I was there more for Mom than for Grandma, and kept thinking “Mom needs you; you have to be strong for her.”

With tears running down her face, Mom spoke continuously to Grandma. She reminded her of all her loved ones who were waiting for her in Heaven, especially my Grandpa who Grandma always called “my Prince” and my Aunt Sharon and little cousin Kerry who were killed before I was born.

The nurse continued to hold Grandma’s hand, murmuring softly to Grandma and supporting mom and I simply with her presence. Dad watched from the kitchen – I don’t know if he was too grief-stricken to come closer, or if he was taking care not to interrupt Mom’s last moments with her mother.

I don’t know how long we stood, tears streaming as we told Grandma how much we loved her, how Grandpa was waiting for her, and that it was OK to let go; just let go.

Then suddenly she was gone.

My mom turned to me and we held each other tightly.

Through my grief a part of me was thinking that I couldn’t fall apart because my mom needed me; I’ve always been proud that my mom raised me to be strong, and I was glad I could be strong for her now.

When our tears lessened I stepped around Mom to give Grandma a kiss on her forehead and say goodbye. “I love you, Grandma.”

I’ve never seen anyone die before and had always imagined that it would be horrible, but watching my grandma slip away was almost peaceful. I feel both humbled and honored to have been there for her last moments. Teacher was right; I never would have forgiven myself if I’d gone to handbells and missed the chance to say goodbye. I hope that Grandma felt surrounded with love as she left this life.

I know I’ll miss my Grandma terribly, but at the same time I’m so very happy for her. She’s not struggling on this earth anymore; she’s in Heaven dancing with her Prince and singing praises to her Savior.

Nothing is better than that.

Life has a way of balancing out bad with good; although we were worried about Grandma’s health, we had Uncle Jay and Dee’s wedding to look forward to.

Plans for the wedding were moving along quickly, and since we weren’t sure if Grandma would be able to attend the wedding we made sure to include her at every step.

Dee had asked me to be one of her bridesmaids but instead of choosing a stereotypically ugly bridesmaid dress for us she let us pick our own from David’s Bridal. We just had to follow three rules: 1. It had to be long. 2. The color had to be “Apple.” 3. We had to either all pick the same dress or all pick different dresses; no two of one and one of something else. Is Dee the coolest bride or what?!

After Teacher and I bought my bridesmaid dress I called my mom to ask when I should bring it over to show Grandma. It was late so I suggested waiting until the next night but Mom said “I wouldn’t wait, I think you should bring it over now.” Worried that Grandma had taken a turn for the worse I threw the dress bag over my arm and rushed over.

Once I got there I realized I’d been worried over nothing, “Grandma, I brought over my dress for the wedding to show you!” I said. I knew Grandma would want to see it; she had been an expert seamstress when she was younger and never lost her appreciation for beautiful clothing.

As I took the gown out of the bag Grandma’s eyes lit up. She reached out to gently stroke the satin skirt as I held the dress out toward her. She examined the tulle underskirt and flowers on the gown’s shoulders; “Beautiful, just beautiful!” she said. As mom and I chatted Grandma looked alternately at me and the dress with a twinkle in her eye and a smile on her face. She looked and sounded so much like herself that it was hard to remember how ill she was.

For the flower girls, Peanut and Love Bug, Dee chose a spring dress from Kohls instead of an overpriced dress from a bridal store. When the dresses went on sale my mom offered to take Princess and Peanut to get them. Mom had a coupon for an additional discount on top of the sale price, but she had to be there to use her Kohls credit card. Since Grandma couldn’t be left alone and my dad had to work I was elected to “Grandma-sit.”

I admit quite frankly that I’m not good with the elderly; I’ll take a roomful of two year olds over a visit to the nursing home any day. I think it goes back to my childhood; I remember visiting one of my great-grandmas when I was a child. She smelled funny, didn’t do anything but sit in a chair with a blanket over her legs, and every time I said something to her she’d just nod her head and say “En so, en so…” Because she was my great-grandma I knew I should love her even though I didn’t know her well, but I was also afraid of her.

Knowing my grandma so well and loving her so much, I wasn’t ever afraid of her. But I was terrified of what might happen while I was alone with her. What if the blood clot let loose? What if she stopped breathing? What if she choked on her cookie? What if she needed her unders changed? What if she tried to get out of bed? What if she did something I hadn’t even thought of?

When I arrived Mom gave me a brief run-down: where the medications were and when/how to use them, who to call in case something happened, please-please-please don’t let anything happen! what to offer Grandma after she finished her cookie, etc. It reminded me of the “briefings” I received as a teenage babysitter.

“Hi Grandma!” I said as I stepped down into the sunroom. It was strange to see my grandma – who had always been known for having an abundance of energy – sitting in a hospital bed, but her smile was the same as always. “I’m going to keep you company while Mom goes to the store.” I gave her a hug then settled in a rocker near her bed. She smiled at me then looked back at the TV; she couldn’t follow what was going on but liked to watch anyway.

I opened my laptop and started a letter to Cowboy, but every time Grandma moved I jumped and looked to make sure she was OK. “Hey, your cookie is all gone, how about a drink?” I walked around to the front side of the bed to lift her cup for her. “Whoops, your water is all gone; I’ll get you some more.” I held the straw up to her mouth so she could drink, “Enough? How about some pudding or applesauce?” She asked for applesauce, and as she ate it I tried to talk to her a bit but she was tired and I could tell she wasn’t following me well. Or maybe she just wasn’t interested in what I was saying; who knows?

In a surprisingly short time Mom came home, a Kohls bag hanging next to the purse on her arm. After hanging up her coat she stepped into the sunroom to greet Grandma. Taking one of the little girls’ dresses from the bag she held it out for Grandma to see, Isn’t this pretty, Mom? This is what the little girls will be wearing for Uncle Jay’s wedding.”

Grandma reached out to finger the embroidered chiffon overskirt, “Oh, that’s lovely, just lovely!” she sighed. She watched as Mom and I lifted the matching shrug to peek at the bodice, then turned the dress over to look at the ribbon bow in back. “Won’t the girls be pretty in this pale yellow?” I asked, “With one having such dark hair and eyes while the other is so fair?” “Well, I’ll say!” Grandma answered with a nod of her head. I don’t know if she knew which girls we were talking about, but there was no doubt she thought they’d be pretty in the dresses.

I headed home to put the boys to bed, feeling both relieved and disappointed at the same time. I was relieved that nothing had happened while I was there, but disappointed that the time had gone so quickly. Once I’d gotten over my fear I’d enjoyed helping Grandma and just being with her – even if we didn’t do anything more than sit quietly in the same room together.

More to come…